Seattle Musings

Seattle Musings...sounds like the title of a newspaper, doesn't it?

It's been almost 3 months in Seattle. Life at Mars Hill Church has kept up to the standard told me the first week here: "Melissa, at Mars Hill, you can expect two constants: Jesus and change." It's true. Oh dear me, is that true! Have you ever stepped into a fast-flowing river after leaving a still, calm, barely-moving pool? That's one of the best ways I can describe how it's felt moving from my life in MN to life in Seattle.

In MN I had a steady, secure job. Yes, commission based, but it always more than paid the bills. I was living comfortably, able to buy what I needed with a few toys here and there for pure enjoyment and frivolity. I had paid off student loans and was working on paying off a "new" used car. My job in the last year had been a large challenge for me, as I left a small, women's-only gym to work at a large, co-ed gym with a larger business structure and more responsibility. My co-workers became a large part of my family. 20-some trainers who spent 8-12 hours together each day, pushing through hard times together and celebrating wins together....it was awesome! I lived with a good friend in a town-home in Eden Prairie, an extremely safe neighborhood, quiet and low-key, 10 minutes from work. My boyfriend and I had started dating in January (his name is Greg, for future reference), and our relationship kept moving forward. I really enjoyed spending time with him and there didn't seem to be any serious rough patches or warning flags. As many of you know, my relationship with Jesus is Priority 1, and from my vantage-point, God was moving and teaching and showing me truth and I was loving it. I had a small group of women who would meet weekly to study the Bible together, pray, talk about life and what was going on, and to encourage each other. I was comfortable, and loving that comfort.

God directed me to Seattle, very clearly. I thought I knew why He wanted me out here. Just for the record, I had NO CLUE. Praise Jesus that He chooses to move and do what is best for me regardless if I get it or not. His movement, His character, His love does NOT depend on me!! If it did, that's a smaller god than I want to worship.

I moved to Seattle in mid-August 2010. Enter the fast-flowing river. One of the first things I notice is my sin. It is blaringly obvious to me in ways I had never seen it before. God keeps shining a light on my sin, so I can see it for its digusting entirety. I can see how horrendous it is, and how much sin grieves God. I can see how imperfect I am, and how I can never be righteous enough on my own. My view of my sin kept growing, and keeps growing, and it becomes more and more serious and ugly to me.

Another thing I notice is community. I notice how crucial it is to live life out together, in light with other people, exposing your sin and junk to others, letting God use people led by His Spirit to speak truth into your life. (Wow, was that a run-on sentence or what???) Community has nothing to do with making others feel good about themselves. I used to think that's what Bible studies should be: tie a pretty bow around everyone's observation of the lesson and what God is saying to you, and leave with a warm feeling in your stomach. Now that thought repulses me, as I've tasted and seen how cutting, how piercing, how life-giving the spoken TRUTH of God is.

I notice provision in ways I had never experienced before. I am spending my 40-some hours a week at the church, and do not have a source of income. I packed most everything I owned into a Toyota Corolla (for the record, it's a very compact car) and sold or gave away everything else. As one who has put her trust in knowing how I will be provided for at least a month in advance, it was nerve-wracking to be put in a place where I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. I couldn't plan anymore. It put me in a place of faith, of needing to walk by faith alone and not by sight, because I couldn't see how I was going to make it. Financially it still doesn't make any sense. The numbers don't add up. I shouldn't make it each month, and yet every month I've ended with more than I've needed. It's amazing to see God work!

I notice God bringing me to a place of total dependence on Him. EVERYTHING in my life that I thought was secure, or I thought I could depend on, has been shown for what it is...something that I cannot depend on. He's taken all that I could have depended on away. It is so clear-cut obvious to me that He wants ALL OF ME, not just part, and He is not going to stop until He gets all of me. And in some crazy, mixed-up way that I don't understand, His taking all away from me so I can depend on him (one of the most painful things I've experienced) is the most loving thing He has ever done for me. He knows that I was created to worship Him. As a child of the King, that's who I am! I'm created to worship God. When I place faith or security in money, in a large bank account, in relationships, in a fiance, in others telling me what a great job I'm doing, in life's successes, in completing tasks well, in having a plan and then executing it.....when I place faith in any of those good-sounding things, I'm putting faith in a pile of crap. Jesus knows that I will experience His best when I live in a place of ultimate dependence on Him, and He lovingly strips me of anything that I depend on that isn't Him.