Ain't about me!

Oh my goodness....where do I start, Lord? Here I am again, recognizing that I have forgotten so quickly who you are and what you've done. I missed the mark and went straight back to my world of tasks, work, responsibility. Something was different this time. You showed me how I use tasks and busyness and responsibility to hide from you, to try to run from you. Jesus, right now I am so aware that I am a bloody mess and there is no point in trying to put myself back together. I have missed the mark! Jesus, I have wanted to make it about me! I have wanted my wisdom, my gifts (which are from YOU!), my life, my actions to be praised. I have ached to receive credit. This sick disease of sin is inside me, and I have no way to dig it out.

I have also seen how I run from total vulnerability. I don't want my full sin exposed. In CG last night, Tom quoted Martin Luther by saying, "Sin boldly." Immediately I saw how I do practically the opposite. I spend so much effort trying to convince others and myself that I'm really not that bad of a person. For example: "My sin really isn't so bad. Look, it's getting better! I'm not sinning as much! Isn't that great??"

Why am I getting the sense that sinning less isn't the goal of life? Just like pursuing comfort isn't the goal of life (more on that in a future book!). I grew up believing that the goal was to do well, sin as little as possible, and 'tis the secret to a happy life. I'm guessing that came from growing up, as I also believed that the way to get my parents to love me was to do things well, don't screw up or make mistakes, avoid sinning at all costs, and that will make others happy around you. Ooo, can you hear how jacked up that is? And yet Martin Luther says, "Sin BODLY." Why???? Why could we sin bodly? How could we have the audacity to sin publicly, in front of our family and friends and co-workers, own up to sin verbally, all of it, specifically, everything, no shades of gray or partial disclosure? How could we name something that seemingly most people would consider shameful or secret, like an adultery or masturbation addiction or hatred of someone we were supposed to love, or failure to lead a wife well, or living as if God isn't always good, even though we KNOW from His word that He can only do good for His children? How can we admit that the sins we habitually return to, knowing that they are idols that do not deliver life or true happiness or joy, that we've been told is sin countless times, and have felt God's conviction, and yet we choose them anyway?

Because God doesn't ask us to sin less. He doesn't ask us to get it together. He doesn't expect anything from us other than being a desperately depraved sinner. How would us "getting it together" bring Him glory? It doesn't. It just doesn't. No matter how you try to wrap it (and believe me, there are MANY kinds of wrapping paper out there), it's pointing the finger straight at you, at me, at the one who is trying to "get it together". When I live there, it is for my glory, not His. It is for my credit, not His. It is so I won't need Him so desperately.

He asks that we believe in His Son, Jesus, for our salvation from our wretched curse of sinfulness, that would have sent us to hell had Jesus not stepped in our place and paid our debt. He asks not that we would do something about our sin, but that we know and believe that Jesus has completely delivered us from the curse of sin and death by taking that curse on himself. He has already done what needs to be done. We can never sin enough that Jesus' death does not cover it. We can never sin too deeply. We can never outsin God's grace for us in Jesus. We can never ruin our standing before God as His child, nor can we fix our depraved, sinful nature. God is telling an amazing story, and He asks us to simply know it, believe it, and join in the immense blessing of being part of His story by living out the AMAZING FREEDOM Jesus has won for us! Yahooo!!!! Jesus is why we can sin bodly. Sin and death have no more claim on us. Let's start living like it.