Seattle Musings...sounds like the title of a newspaper, doesn't it?
It's been almost 3 months in Seattle. Life at Mars Hill Church has kept up to the standard told me the first week here: "Melissa, at Mars Hill, you can expect two constants: Jesus and change." It's true. Oh dear me, is that true! Have you ever stepped into a fast-flowing river after leaving a still, calm, barely-moving pool? That's one of the best ways I can describe how it's felt moving from my life in MN to life in Seattle.
In MN I had a steady, secure job. Yes, commission based, but it always more than paid the bills. I was living comfortably, able to buy what I needed with a few toys here and there for pure enjoyment and frivolity. I had paid off student loans and was working on paying off a "new" used car. My job in the last year had been a large challenge for me, as I left a small, women's-only gym to work at a large, co-ed gym with a larger business structure and more responsibility. My co-workers became a large part of my family. 20-some trainers who spent 8-12 hours together each day, pushing through hard times together and celebrating wins together....it was awesome! I lived with a good friend in a town-home in Eden Prairie, an extremely safe neighborhood, quiet and low-key, 10 minutes from work. My boyfriend and I had started dating in January (his name is Greg, for future reference), and our relationship kept moving forward. I really enjoyed spending time with him and there didn't seem to be any serious rough patches or warning flags. As many of you know, my relationship with Jesus is Priority 1, and from my vantage-point, God was moving and teaching and showing me truth and I was loving it. I had a small group of women who would meet weekly to study the Bible together, pray, talk about life and what was going on, and to encourage each other. I was comfortable, and loving that comfort.
God directed me to Seattle, very clearly. I thought I knew why He wanted me out here. Just for the record, I had NO CLUE. Praise Jesus that He chooses to move and do what is best for me regardless if I get it or not. His movement, His character, His love does NOT depend on me!! If it did, that's a smaller god than I want to worship.
I moved to Seattle in mid-August 2010. Enter the fast-flowing river. One of the first things I notice is my sin. It is blaringly obvious to me in ways I had never seen it before. God keeps shining a light on my sin, so I can see it for its digusting entirety. I can see how horrendous it is, and how much sin grieves God. I can see how imperfect I am, and how I can never be righteous enough on my own. My view of my sin kept growing, and keeps growing, and it becomes more and more serious and ugly to me.
Another thing I notice is community. I notice how crucial it is to live life out together, in light with other people, exposing your sin and junk to others, letting God use people led by His Spirit to speak truth into your life. (Wow, was that a run-on sentence or what???) Community has nothing to do with making others feel good about themselves. I used to think that's what Bible studies should be: tie a pretty bow around everyone's observation of the lesson and what God is saying to you, and leave with a warm feeling in your stomach. Now that thought repulses me, as I've tasted and seen how cutting, how piercing, how life-giving the spoken TRUTH of God is.
I notice provision in ways I had never experienced before. I am spending my 40-some hours a week at the church, and do not have a source of income. I packed most everything I owned into a Toyota Corolla (for the record, it's a very compact car) and sold or gave away everything else. As one who has put her trust in knowing how I will be provided for at least a month in advance, it was nerve-wracking to be put in a place where I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. I couldn't plan anymore. It put me in a place of faith, of needing to walk by faith alone and not by sight, because I couldn't see how I was going to make it. Financially it still doesn't make any sense. The numbers don't add up. I shouldn't make it each month, and yet every month I've ended with more than I've needed. It's amazing to see God work!
I notice God bringing me to a place of total dependence on Him. EVERYTHING in my life that I thought was secure, or I thought I could depend on, has been shown for what it is...something that I cannot depend on. He's taken all that I could have depended on away. It is so clear-cut obvious to me that He wants ALL OF ME, not just part, and He is not going to stop until He gets all of me. And in some crazy, mixed-up way that I don't understand, His taking all away from me so I can depend on him (one of the most painful things I've experienced) is the most loving thing He has ever done for me. He knows that I was created to worship Him. As a child of the King, that's who I am! I'm created to worship God. When I place faith or security in money, in a large bank account, in relationships, in a fiance, in others telling me what a great job I'm doing, in life's successes, in completing tasks well, in having a plan and then executing it.....when I place faith in any of those good-sounding things, I'm putting faith in a pile of crap. Jesus knows that I will experience His best when I live in a place of ultimate dependence on Him, and He lovingly strips me of anything that I depend on that isn't Him.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Arrived in Seattle!
8/17/2010
Tuesday night. I have been in Seattle for three days now. It feels more like three months. I will attempt, in a very meager fashion, to put my experience so far into words.
We had dinner at Erik’s house, met his wife Rachel and 3 daughters (Janey, Kelly, and Sarah). My parents had driven down with me and stayed until Sunday afternoon. Marissa met me at the house on Austin and it took about 5 minutes to unload the car. I was shocked by the beautiful kitchen and amazing view.
Sunday we landed at church – Mars Hill West Seattle Campus. Even looking back at Sunday, I knew so little of what God had in store. At this point I was still very much torn between Minnesota and Washington, my parents and the church body, saying goodbye to the previous season of my life and jumping into the next one. I got to meet the male interns: Michael B, Michael M from Portland, David from England, and Ryan, originally from Montana. My parents and I went out to lunch (I opted to spend more time with them instead of serving during the 2nd service), and we said an abbreviated goodbye at my house. I then left to attend community group training. For those of you unfamiliar with community group, it is people who meet weekly, living out life with each other, for the glory of God and the spreading of the gospel. I ran into my first recognition of how God has prepared me specifically and pointedly for being here: they were studying the book of Romans. My heart warmed. I felt at home. I have been listening to Romans for the past 6 months or so, and am working on memorizing portions (if I’m fully honest with myself, my long-term goal is to have the book of Romans memorized). I can’t explain it other than the Holy Spirit has given me an appetite for it. He speaks to me about Himself, He opens my eyes to His truth, He puts a craving in my heart for more. I then took the rest of the day off and ran some errands.
Monday comes. Rubber meets the road. The interns meet in the morning to get a visual of why we are here, a vision of our roles, where is God calling us, the needs in the church, the community. We tour the church and learn more of the history of the building and see the unused potential. I get a small glimpse of my role as supporter and organizer, although there is much more definition of my role to come. Tuesday we got the privilege of attending the staff conference, taught by Mark Driscoll, Jamie Munson, and Dave Bruskas. As I’m sitting here, I’m realizing I could write about so many things that happened, meetings, conversations with so-and-so about such-and-such, but it all boils down to this: God has hand-picked every single one of us to be here, at Mars Hill West Seattle, and at Mars Hill Church, for this time and season, for His purpose and glory alone. I am absolutely convinced of this. You ask the other interns, I can already tell you they agree. You ask the deacons and pastors and staff. This is His team. We are one branch of the vine. I struggled to believe this at first, thinking (arrogantly) that I had made the decision and somehow had the ability to do this trip, make this move, keep my car running, pay for everything needed, on my own. I believed it was MY decision. MY choice. MY abilities. MY idea. Can you see how ugly that is? Can you see the self-centeredness? Can you see the complete lack of belief of God’s sovereignty over my life? In these three days, God has removed another set of blinders from my eyes that have kept me from seeing this sovereignty and our complete dependence on Him. As I attempt to put words to this new understanding, they sound so “Christian-ese” and empty. Let me see if I can explain by giving you a window into a lesson I’ve learned in the last 72 hours.
You see the pastors and deacons and elders and staff here, fully aware that without Christ in us, without God’s overflowing grace, without Jesus, we can do NOTHING of eternal value. We can’t change hearts. We can’t convince anyone of their need for Christ. We can’t teach. We can’t explain. We can’t convict. We can’t worship. It is only Christ through us who can do those things, by the power of the Holy Spirit. That’s how Jesus operated. He was God in human flesh on earth. I HATE how people explain away His miracles of healing and casting out demons and multiplying loaves and fish by the fact that He was God. They’ve missed this vital point, which is absolutely essential to our understanding of who lives in us, God’s children. I’ve missed this point for years. Jesus was God, but He chose to lay aside His attributes of God and was FULLY human. God is all-present. Was Jesus ever in two places or more at the same time? No. He chose to lay aside that attribute of God and NOT USE IT. He traveled and walked like his disciples did, like other human beings did. He performed His miracles by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the same Spirit He gave to us! This is the same Spirit who comes upon us when we receive Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, recognizing that only through Him may we have life! We are dead in our sins, and if we confess with our mouth that Jesus is LORD, and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved! Let the following sink in. Romans 8:10-11 tells us this: “But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” Did you get that? The same Holy Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in YOU. He lives in us who have said “yes” to Jesus. That’s why Jesus told us that we can do all miracles He did, and even greater ones than these. We can do them, because WE don’t do them! The Holy Spirit does them through us. When that truth sinks into the very core of your being and infiltrates every fiber of your body, it should change your life. The end of Romans 11 says this: “Oh the depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the LORD, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.”
Tuesday night. I have been in Seattle for three days now. It feels more like three months. I will attempt, in a very meager fashion, to put my experience so far into words.
We had dinner at Erik’s house, met his wife Rachel and 3 daughters (Janey, Kelly, and Sarah). My parents had driven down with me and stayed until Sunday afternoon. Marissa met me at the house on Austin and it took about 5 minutes to unload the car. I was shocked by the beautiful kitchen and amazing view.
Sunday we landed at church – Mars Hill West Seattle Campus. Even looking back at Sunday, I knew so little of what God had in store. At this point I was still very much torn between Minnesota and Washington, my parents and the church body, saying goodbye to the previous season of my life and jumping into the next one. I got to meet the male interns: Michael B, Michael M from Portland, David from England, and Ryan, originally from Montana. My parents and I went out to lunch (I opted to spend more time with them instead of serving during the 2nd service), and we said an abbreviated goodbye at my house. I then left to attend community group training. For those of you unfamiliar with community group, it is people who meet weekly, living out life with each other, for the glory of God and the spreading of the gospel. I ran into my first recognition of how God has prepared me specifically and pointedly for being here: they were studying the book of Romans. My heart warmed. I felt at home. I have been listening to Romans for the past 6 months or so, and am working on memorizing portions (if I’m fully honest with myself, my long-term goal is to have the book of Romans memorized). I can’t explain it other than the Holy Spirit has given me an appetite for it. He speaks to me about Himself, He opens my eyes to His truth, He puts a craving in my heart for more. I then took the rest of the day off and ran some errands.
Monday comes. Rubber meets the road. The interns meet in the morning to get a visual of why we are here, a vision of our roles, where is God calling us, the needs in the church, the community. We tour the church and learn more of the history of the building and see the unused potential. I get a small glimpse of my role as supporter and organizer, although there is much more definition of my role to come. Tuesday we got the privilege of attending the staff conference, taught by Mark Driscoll, Jamie Munson, and Dave Bruskas. As I’m sitting here, I’m realizing I could write about so many things that happened, meetings, conversations with so-and-so about such-and-such, but it all boils down to this: God has hand-picked every single one of us to be here, at Mars Hill West Seattle, and at Mars Hill Church, for this time and season, for His purpose and glory alone. I am absolutely convinced of this. You ask the other interns, I can already tell you they agree. You ask the deacons and pastors and staff. This is His team. We are one branch of the vine. I struggled to believe this at first, thinking (arrogantly) that I had made the decision and somehow had the ability to do this trip, make this move, keep my car running, pay for everything needed, on my own. I believed it was MY decision. MY choice. MY abilities. MY idea. Can you see how ugly that is? Can you see the self-centeredness? Can you see the complete lack of belief of God’s sovereignty over my life? In these three days, God has removed another set of blinders from my eyes that have kept me from seeing this sovereignty and our complete dependence on Him. As I attempt to put words to this new understanding, they sound so “Christian-ese” and empty. Let me see if I can explain by giving you a window into a lesson I’ve learned in the last 72 hours.
You see the pastors and deacons and elders and staff here, fully aware that without Christ in us, without God’s overflowing grace, without Jesus, we can do NOTHING of eternal value. We can’t change hearts. We can’t convince anyone of their need for Christ. We can’t teach. We can’t explain. We can’t convict. We can’t worship. It is only Christ through us who can do those things, by the power of the Holy Spirit. That’s how Jesus operated. He was God in human flesh on earth. I HATE how people explain away His miracles of healing and casting out demons and multiplying loaves and fish by the fact that He was God. They’ve missed this vital point, which is absolutely essential to our understanding of who lives in us, God’s children. I’ve missed this point for years. Jesus was God, but He chose to lay aside His attributes of God and was FULLY human. God is all-present. Was Jesus ever in two places or more at the same time? No. He chose to lay aside that attribute of God and NOT USE IT. He traveled and walked like his disciples did, like other human beings did. He performed His miracles by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the same Spirit He gave to us! This is the same Spirit who comes upon us when we receive Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, recognizing that only through Him may we have life! We are dead in our sins, and if we confess with our mouth that Jesus is LORD, and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved! Let the following sink in. Romans 8:10-11 tells us this: “But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” Did you get that? The same Holy Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in YOU. He lives in us who have said “yes” to Jesus. That’s why Jesus told us that we can do all miracles He did, and even greater ones than these. We can do them, because WE don’t do them! The Holy Spirit does them through us. When that truth sinks into the very core of your being and infiltrates every fiber of your body, it should change your life. The end of Romans 11 says this: “Oh the depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the LORD, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.”
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
What are you looking forward to?
Recently (and by recently, I mean in the last 24 hours), I have experienced something that does not allow me to stay the same. I don't know how else to put it. I am still processing, but I think the best way to describe it is this:
When faced with pain greater than you have ever experienced....when you are broken beyond what you thought was your capacity, when you are in the presence of One greater than yourself, when you reach a place you have never been, you walk away changed. Something inside you is altered. Lord Jesus, please walk me through this. I'm not sure I can do it. I am still so raw.
I can't speak more specifically of where He brought me last night. Not yet. When I woke up this morning, I knew something was different. Galatians 2:20 came to life for me again: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Also, "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." As I was reading this morning, those verses stood out to me. Last night, there was a death. And what was being put to death was my flesh. Sadly, it's not a permanent death. Hopefully, I have a death to the flesh almost every morning. I wish I could say every morning, but it is not so. But there was something different about this death. Jesus took me farther and deeper, and took parts of my flesh and CRUCIFIED them. I remember looking in the mirror and being very aware of an area of my life that has been an idol I fight against.....and within me there was a completely new sense of "NO" to that idol. I had absolutely no desire to participate in that sin. Today He gave me the strength to live it out. There was a death.
I'm not saying I'm out of the darkness. There is still large amounts of pain. I can't pretend everything is okay. My red eyes don't tell a lie :) God gave me some wonderful comfort today. One comforting thought was that He is Faithful and True, the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No demon, no spiritual power, no person, NO THING is more powerful than Him. He has defeated sin and death, and His Spirit lives in me. The second comfort was this:
"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is 'The Word of God'. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, 'King of kings and Lord of lords'".
What am I looking forward to? I'm looking forward to that day of Jesus' return. I don't know whether I'll be on earth or behind on a white horse. I don't care. I ache to my core for His return and for Him to bring his recompense with Him. I love Him with all of my heart, and I can't wait. Come, Lord Jesus!
When faced with pain greater than you have ever experienced....when you are broken beyond what you thought was your capacity, when you are in the presence of One greater than yourself, when you reach a place you have never been, you walk away changed. Something inside you is altered. Lord Jesus, please walk me through this. I'm not sure I can do it. I am still so raw.
I can't speak more specifically of where He brought me last night. Not yet. When I woke up this morning, I knew something was different. Galatians 2:20 came to life for me again: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Also, "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." As I was reading this morning, those verses stood out to me. Last night, there was a death. And what was being put to death was my flesh. Sadly, it's not a permanent death. Hopefully, I have a death to the flesh almost every morning. I wish I could say every morning, but it is not so. But there was something different about this death. Jesus took me farther and deeper, and took parts of my flesh and CRUCIFIED them. I remember looking in the mirror and being very aware of an area of my life that has been an idol I fight against.....and within me there was a completely new sense of "NO" to that idol. I had absolutely no desire to participate in that sin. Today He gave me the strength to live it out. There was a death.
I'm not saying I'm out of the darkness. There is still large amounts of pain. I can't pretend everything is okay. My red eyes don't tell a lie :) God gave me some wonderful comfort today. One comforting thought was that He is Faithful and True, the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No demon, no spiritual power, no person, NO THING is more powerful than Him. He has defeated sin and death, and His Spirit lives in me. The second comfort was this:
"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is 'The Word of God'. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, 'King of kings and Lord of lords'".
What am I looking forward to? I'm looking forward to that day of Jesus' return. I don't know whether I'll be on earth or behind on a white horse. I don't care. I ache to my core for His return and for Him to bring his recompense with Him. I love Him with all of my heart, and I can't wait. Come, Lord Jesus!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Current learnings
It is all about Jesus. It's all about Him. I'm going to unpack a little of what He's bringing up in me. I don't have a lot of answers, but I sense Him telling me it's time to start processing. It's time to start writing again. He has me going through what I'm going through for a reason, and it's all about HIS purposes, not my own. Let me elaborate.
Life seems to be full of valleys and mountain tops. On the mountain tops, you see clearly. You can look behind you and see the valleys you've visited, and the peaks you've been on before. You remember well at those moments. You can also look ahead and note that the rest of your life doesn't level out at the mountain top level. It goes back down. I don't think I need to explain valleys to any of you. Some valleys are longer than others. Some peaks last longer than others. It's life. Particularly on this sin-filled earth, it's promised to us by Jesus that "..in this world you WILL have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)
I am in a season of a valley. Praise God....for I am in a season of a valley. Praise God, because He is so near. Praise God, for He is with the broken-hearted. Praise God, for He brings comfort to those who mourn. Praise God, for His eyes are on the humble. Praise God, for he knows the hair on my head and counts every tear that falls from my eyes. Praise God, for His burdens are easy. "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake I do it, for how shall my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another." (Isaiah 48:10-11)This isn't about me. Let me make that perfectly clear :)
In Romans 1, Paul starts his letter to the Romans by calling himself "a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God". Stop right there. He was called. He was set apart for the gospel of God. That was why he was created. That is also why you and I were created. God has used this valley season to remind me of this. As I've cried and struggled with pain that doesn't seem to be going away, I've again started asking that question of "Why?" I've been arrogant enough to ask "Why me, God?" He has so gently been peeling off layers deep inside me that show me more ways I was hurt and abandoned and mistreated and abused and left lacking in my younger years. He's shown me how I have failed to live the life He's prepared for me. He's shown me how I've lived out of fear instead of whole-hearted, abandoned trust of Him. He's shown me how little I have depended on Him. He's shown me that the family He's given me is of spiritual blood, not physical blood. My sisters, Janette and Kimmie and Jenna and Hallie. My brothers, Keith and Brock and Jon and Ben and Jeromie and Taylor. My mothers, Laurie and Katherine and Cindy and Jean. My fathers, Bill and Paul and Mark and Dave. He has given me a spiritual family, of which there are countless relatives I have yet to meet. My family is not of this world. In the midst of facing pain with earthly family and reminders of what should have been, God has faithfully reminded me of His goodness in providing a spiritual family for me. He has fathered me where I have not been fathered. He has held me when I have longed to be held. There is no time limit of how long I can stay in His arms with my head against His chest, listening to His heart beating. I can simply be with my Daddy, with the One who loves you and whom you love. No agenda, no other reason. I have found immense comfort from the LORD in this.
Life seems to be full of valleys and mountain tops. On the mountain tops, you see clearly. You can look behind you and see the valleys you've visited, and the peaks you've been on before. You remember well at those moments. You can also look ahead and note that the rest of your life doesn't level out at the mountain top level. It goes back down. I don't think I need to explain valleys to any of you. Some valleys are longer than others. Some peaks last longer than others. It's life. Particularly on this sin-filled earth, it's promised to us by Jesus that "..in this world you WILL have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)
I am in a season of a valley. Praise God....for I am in a season of a valley. Praise God, because He is so near. Praise God, for He is with the broken-hearted. Praise God, for He brings comfort to those who mourn. Praise God, for His eyes are on the humble. Praise God, for he knows the hair on my head and counts every tear that falls from my eyes. Praise God, for His burdens are easy. "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake I do it, for how shall my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another." (Isaiah 48:10-11)This isn't about me. Let me make that perfectly clear :)
In Romans 1, Paul starts his letter to the Romans by calling himself "a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God". Stop right there. He was called. He was set apart for the gospel of God. That was why he was created. That is also why you and I were created. God has used this valley season to remind me of this. As I've cried and struggled with pain that doesn't seem to be going away, I've again started asking that question of "Why?" I've been arrogant enough to ask "Why me, God?" He has so gently been peeling off layers deep inside me that show me more ways I was hurt and abandoned and mistreated and abused and left lacking in my younger years. He's shown me how I have failed to live the life He's prepared for me. He's shown me how I've lived out of fear instead of whole-hearted, abandoned trust of Him. He's shown me how little I have depended on Him. He's shown me that the family He's given me is of spiritual blood, not physical blood. My sisters, Janette and Kimmie and Jenna and Hallie. My brothers, Keith and Brock and Jon and Ben and Jeromie and Taylor. My mothers, Laurie and Katherine and Cindy and Jean. My fathers, Bill and Paul and Mark and Dave. He has given me a spiritual family, of which there are countless relatives I have yet to meet. My family is not of this world. In the midst of facing pain with earthly family and reminders of what should have been, God has faithfully reminded me of His goodness in providing a spiritual family for me. He has fathered me where I have not been fathered. He has held me when I have longed to be held. There is no time limit of how long I can stay in His arms with my head against His chest, listening to His heart beating. I can simply be with my Daddy, with the One who loves you and whom you love. No agenda, no other reason. I have found immense comfort from the LORD in this.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Praise the LORD, O my soul, for He is good
There will not be a lot of structure to this post, just to fore-warn you! It is late, past my bedtime, but I am wanting to write of my Lord's goodness to me. It is played out in so many ways for so many people, but I am becoming more aware of his amazing goodness He has shown towards me. The enemy lately has been trying to steal, kill, and destroy the work being done in my heart and life, and Jesus Christ is having none of it. I know I am being fought for, and I know I am engaging in battle. My heart is the Lord's, and I can truly say with everything that I have, I am HIS. I know whose I am, not who I am.
His goodness to me....where do I start??? To quote John, if I were to write down everything He has done for me, I don't suppose there would be enough room if the heavens were my scroll. Well, let's summarize it this way: when I have been faithless, He has been faithful. When I knowingly sinned by turning away from him and living the world's way, he has not stopped calling me and drawing me back to himself. He has called me by name before the world even began. He had a plan for my life before my ancestors were born. He drew me back from age 10 when I gave up on him being enough for me. He not only called me, he rescued me from a pit of darkness I didn't even realize I was in until he showed me. He took me to the edge of the desert, and walked with me into a wilderness season. Although the most painful time of my life thus far, this wilderness is also a time I cannot think on without rejoicing with IMMENSE thankfulness. I would not trade that experience, that pain, that suffering, that part of my story, for any riches this world could offer. I would not trade it for the promise that there will be no more wildernesses in my future. The wilderness is where I came to know Jesus Christ by experience, in a deeper level than I could have ever dreamed of. I walked into that wilderness with a skewed idea of who He is, no idea what ministry really was, a boat-load of sins, self-centeredness probably being a main one, multiple idols, and in the wilderness I was stripped of these things and clothed in a robe by my Father. I was marked as one of His own, a daughter of the King. I bear a mark of his nail scars on my palms. I have the blessed opportunity to share in his suffering. Oh what joy this is!! I am not my own anymore, for I am the created and He is my Creator. Who am I to make plans for my life? It is God's will that must prevail. Who am I to say how I want to live or how life should be run? I am not the Maker of it! If it were not for my Savior, Jesus Christ, I would not be here right now. There would be no breath in my lungs, no spirit in my body. I have no rights of which to speak. So what else can I do with this life but offer it fully and completely to Him to do with as He pleases? Anything besides that is pure selfishness and an incredibly wrong view of who God is. I pray I come to know Him more and more every day He gives me breath on this earth.
My LORD and my God, I will not be silent anymore. With your grace and your Holy Spirit in me, I will live each day, each minute you give me, as a living testimony to You. May my life be but a reflection of who You are. May others look at me and see right through the flesh and encounter Your Spirit. May You receive all glory and honor and praise and worship, for You truly are the only worthy One. I thank you for giving me life and for saving me from the penalty of my sins, and I rejoice in this amazing fact that you allow me to share in your work here on earth. I thank you, and I praise you! Will you draw Your people to yourself, as You have drawn me? You have my heart, and I love you with all that I am.
His goodness to me....where do I start??? To quote John, if I were to write down everything He has done for me, I don't suppose there would be enough room if the heavens were my scroll. Well, let's summarize it this way: when I have been faithless, He has been faithful. When I knowingly sinned by turning away from him and living the world's way, he has not stopped calling me and drawing me back to himself. He has called me by name before the world even began. He had a plan for my life before my ancestors were born. He drew me back from age 10 when I gave up on him being enough for me. He not only called me, he rescued me from a pit of darkness I didn't even realize I was in until he showed me. He took me to the edge of the desert, and walked with me into a wilderness season. Although the most painful time of my life thus far, this wilderness is also a time I cannot think on without rejoicing with IMMENSE thankfulness. I would not trade that experience, that pain, that suffering, that part of my story, for any riches this world could offer. I would not trade it for the promise that there will be no more wildernesses in my future. The wilderness is where I came to know Jesus Christ by experience, in a deeper level than I could have ever dreamed of. I walked into that wilderness with a skewed idea of who He is, no idea what ministry really was, a boat-load of sins, self-centeredness probably being a main one, multiple idols, and in the wilderness I was stripped of these things and clothed in a robe by my Father. I was marked as one of His own, a daughter of the King. I bear a mark of his nail scars on my palms. I have the blessed opportunity to share in his suffering. Oh what joy this is!! I am not my own anymore, for I am the created and He is my Creator. Who am I to make plans for my life? It is God's will that must prevail. Who am I to say how I want to live or how life should be run? I am not the Maker of it! If it were not for my Savior, Jesus Christ, I would not be here right now. There would be no breath in my lungs, no spirit in my body. I have no rights of which to speak. So what else can I do with this life but offer it fully and completely to Him to do with as He pleases? Anything besides that is pure selfishness and an incredibly wrong view of who God is. I pray I come to know Him more and more every day He gives me breath on this earth.
My LORD and my God, I will not be silent anymore. With your grace and your Holy Spirit in me, I will live each day, each minute you give me, as a living testimony to You. May my life be but a reflection of who You are. May others look at me and see right through the flesh and encounter Your Spirit. May You receive all glory and honor and praise and worship, for You truly are the only worthy One. I thank you for giving me life and for saving me from the penalty of my sins, and I rejoice in this amazing fact that you allow me to share in your work here on earth. I thank you, and I praise you! Will you draw Your people to yourself, as You have drawn me? You have my heart, and I love you with all that I am.
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