What are you looking forward to?

Recently (and by recently, I mean in the last 24 hours), I have experienced something that does not allow me to stay the same. I don't know how else to put it. I am still processing, but I think the best way to describe it is this:

When faced with pain greater than you have ever experienced....when you are broken beyond what you thought was your capacity, when you are in the presence of One greater than yourself, when you reach a place you have never been, you walk away changed. Something inside you is altered. Lord Jesus, please walk me through this. I'm not sure I can do it. I am still so raw.

I can't speak more specifically of where He brought me last night. Not yet. When I woke up this morning, I knew something was different. Galatians 2:20 came to life for me again: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Also, "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." As I was reading this morning, those verses stood out to me. Last night, there was a death. And what was being put to death was my flesh. Sadly, it's not a permanent death. Hopefully, I have a death to the flesh almost every morning. I wish I could say every morning, but it is not so. But there was something different about this death. Jesus took me farther and deeper, and took parts of my flesh and CRUCIFIED them. I remember looking in the mirror and being very aware of an area of my life that has been an idol I fight against.....and within me there was a completely new sense of "NO" to that idol. I had absolutely no desire to participate in that sin. Today He gave me the strength to live it out. There was a death.

I'm not saying I'm out of the darkness. There is still large amounts of pain. I can't pretend everything is okay. My red eyes don't tell a lie :) God gave me some wonderful comfort today. One comforting thought was that He is Faithful and True, the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No demon, no spiritual power, no person, NO THING is more powerful than Him. He has defeated sin and death, and His Spirit lives in me. The second comfort was this:

"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is 'The Word of God'. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, 'King of kings and Lord of lords'".

What am I looking forward to? I'm looking forward to that day of Jesus' return. I don't know whether I'll be on earth or behind on a white horse. I don't care. I ache to my core for His return and for Him to bring his recompense with Him. I love Him with all of my heart, and I can't wait. Come, Lord Jesus!