What are you looking forward to?

Recently (and by recently, I mean in the last 24 hours), I have experienced something that does not allow me to stay the same. I don't know how else to put it. I am still processing, but I think the best way to describe it is this:

When faced with pain greater than you have ever experienced....when you are broken beyond what you thought was your capacity, when you are in the presence of One greater than yourself, when you reach a place you have never been, you walk away changed. Something inside you is altered. Lord Jesus, please walk me through this. I'm not sure I can do it. I am still so raw.

I can't speak more specifically of where He brought me last night. Not yet. When I woke up this morning, I knew something was different. Galatians 2:20 came to life for me again: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Also, "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Whoever saves his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." As I was reading this morning, those verses stood out to me. Last night, there was a death. And what was being put to death was my flesh. Sadly, it's not a permanent death. Hopefully, I have a death to the flesh almost every morning. I wish I could say every morning, but it is not so. But there was something different about this death. Jesus took me farther and deeper, and took parts of my flesh and CRUCIFIED them. I remember looking in the mirror and being very aware of an area of my life that has been an idol I fight against.....and within me there was a completely new sense of "NO" to that idol. I had absolutely no desire to participate in that sin. Today He gave me the strength to live it out. There was a death.

I'm not saying I'm out of the darkness. There is still large amounts of pain. I can't pretend everything is okay. My red eyes don't tell a lie :) God gave me some wonderful comfort today. One comforting thought was that He is Faithful and True, the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No demon, no spiritual power, no person, NO THING is more powerful than Him. He has defeated sin and death, and His Spirit lives in me. The second comfort was this:

"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is 'The Word of God'. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, 'King of kings and Lord of lords'".

What am I looking forward to? I'm looking forward to that day of Jesus' return. I don't know whether I'll be on earth or behind on a white horse. I don't care. I ache to my core for His return and for Him to bring his recompense with Him. I love Him with all of my heart, and I can't wait. Come, Lord Jesus!

Current learnings

It is all about Jesus. It's all about Him. I'm going to unpack a little of what He's bringing up in me. I don't have a lot of answers, but I sense Him telling me it's time to start processing. It's time to start writing again. He has me going through what I'm going through for a reason, and it's all about HIS purposes, not my own. Let me elaborate.

Life seems to be full of valleys and mountain tops. On the mountain tops, you see clearly. You can look behind you and see the valleys you've visited, and the peaks you've been on before. You remember well at those moments. You can also look ahead and note that the rest of your life doesn't level out at the mountain top level. It goes back down. I don't think I need to explain valleys to any of you. Some valleys are longer than others. Some peaks last longer than others. It's life. Particularly on this sin-filled earth, it's promised to us by Jesus that "..in this world you WILL have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)

I am in a season of a valley. Praise God....for I am in a season of a valley. Praise God, because He is so near. Praise God, for He is with the broken-hearted. Praise God, for He brings comfort to those who mourn. Praise God, for His eyes are on the humble. Praise God, for he knows the hair on my head and counts every tear that falls from my eyes. Praise God, for His burdens are easy. "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake I do it, for how shall my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another." (Isaiah 48:10-11)This isn't about me. Let me make that perfectly clear :)

In Romans 1, Paul starts his letter to the Romans by calling himself "a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God". Stop right there. He was called. He was set apart for the gospel of God. That was why he was created. That is also why you and I were created. God has used this valley season to remind me of this. As I've cried and struggled with pain that doesn't seem to be going away, I've again started asking that question of "Why?" I've been arrogant enough to ask "Why me, God?" He has so gently been peeling off layers deep inside me that show me more ways I was hurt and abandoned and mistreated and abused and left lacking in my younger years. He's shown me how I have failed to live the life He's prepared for me. He's shown me how I've lived out of fear instead of whole-hearted, abandoned trust of Him. He's shown me how little I have depended on Him. He's shown me that the family He's given me is of spiritual blood, not physical blood. My sisters, Janette and Kimmie and Jenna and Hallie. My brothers, Keith and Brock and Jon and Ben and Jeromie and Taylor. My mothers, Laurie and Katherine and Cindy and Jean. My fathers, Bill and Paul and Mark and Dave. He has given me a spiritual family, of which there are countless relatives I have yet to meet. My family is not of this world. In the midst of facing pain with earthly family and reminders of what should have been, God has faithfully reminded me of His goodness in providing a spiritual family for me. He has fathered me where I have not been fathered. He has held me when I have longed to be held. There is no time limit of how long I can stay in His arms with my head against His chest, listening to His heart beating. I can simply be with my Daddy, with the One who loves you and whom you love. No agenda, no other reason. I have found immense comfort from the LORD in this.