Repentance

Face to face with my sin....again. Jesus, it was ugly this time. Really ugly. Thank you for showing me the severity of my sin, and how utterly disgusting it is. I hate living out of the flesh. I LONG for my heavenly body! I long for my desires and my actions to be one in glorifying You! I LONG to be fully pure in heart. Thank you for continuing to show me where I am not pleasing to you, for you rebuke those whom you love. You said, "You shall have no other gods besides me," and I have had other gods besides you. I so yearn to be fully yours. Please grant me the grace I need every day to live in obedience to you. May I do what I see my Father doing, and nothing else.

Blessings

I was reminded today of how extravagant Jesus' love is for me. Absolutely overwhelmed at work, after work, and when I came home.

Tonight I ran into the sunset and ran back home through the stars. Amazing....

Sweet surrender

On a Friday night, I'm sitting in a quiet house enjoying the introverted-ness of being alone. Well, alone with a dog and a cat, one of which is chewing a bone quite and one of which is giving me kisses and tickling my feet. I won't specify which one is doing which. It's hilarious to wake up each morning and see a random paw underneath the closed door, trying to swipe at anything she can get, just because she knows I'm awake. It looks so desperately funny!!

I had some time at a coffee shop tonight in the Word before a very loud, out-of-tune band started playing, and I realized something that made me smile. The LORD has so overhauled my life that what He wants to say to me through His Word was more important than my life's agenda. I was more interested in hearing Him and His heart and His plans than I was about my own. I didn't care if His plans disturbed mine. I didn't care if it wasn't what I thought. My only desire was to know His heart and His agenda. It was as if I was in front of a person I would like to know better, listening to them talk, listening to their point of view without regard to my own. I smile because I realize that term "sweet surrender" describes this so well. As I surrender all areas of my life to Him, He sweetly rewards me with replacing my own agenda and thoughts and plans with His own. I don't mean sweetly as in "Aw, how cute...". I mean as I release things I thought were important to me (life plans, any plans in fact, current desires, comforts), their importance paled next to what the LORD's priorities are. How often have I lived this life for myself, with every decision revolving around me. "What will be best for you?" says the world. If I can just encourage you today....when you are in a place of ultimate and sweet surrender, living without regard to your flesh but run by the Spirit of God, the reward of knowing God cannot be surpassed. I can think of nothing greater than knowing Jesus. He can't be topped! He will never be. The more I am broken, the more desperate I am for His presence and nothing else. The more I am suffering, the more I long, the more I ache to know Him. Nothing else, no one else satisfies. Sometimes I long to see Jesus so much I feel like I can't breathe.

Jesus, in this time of struggle, will you keep holding me? I thank you for your constant presence and amazing love that has no bottom, no end of depth. I cannot survive without you. Thank you for saving me.

The struggle continues...

I am so sick of sin. I'm sick of living in a sin-infested world. I was not made for this and I know it. I am not of this world. God, give me the grace to withstand the time you have appointed for me here.

Fighting some major battles in the kingdom lately, and this weekend God has called me to a retreat, to a refreshment, to time in His tent with Him, being re-charged and re-vitalized for the continuing battle ahead. He sent me a clear message, disrupting my weekend plans for His own (even to the point of removing my car from me!) Oh Jesus help me....I am so weak. Ps. 144:1 says, "Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle." Thanks be that HE does the training and not me!

The battlefield is in my mind, and as I face these battles, my main temptation is to give up. "Stop waiting, Melissa, for the LORD to deliver you. He is obviously late. He won't pull through when you need Him most. Why would you hold off on spending your passions and desires when you can revel in pleasure NOW? You don't know when He plans on showing up. His timeline is too long. So few people have waited as you have....look at them! Look at what you are missing! What are you waiting for? Take action yourself, for you can trust yourself. You will know what is coming, and that will make you safe."

It is intimidating, sometimes, for me to write out these temptations I hear. Seeing them in words makes me cringe. HOWEVER, there is a greater reason for me to write these down. As I spell out the lies the enemy bombards on my mind, the power of fear is broken. Fear of the sin itself is broken. In the midst of temptation, I have this one amazing lifeline, with which I fight these lies. I cannot describe in human words how valuable, how priceless, how life-changing this lifeline has been to me. It has been mis-aligned, altered, abused, mis-quoted. It has become an obligation to many, a duty. I believe there is a famine of this lifeline, a shortage in the church, in God's people (Amos 8:11-12). I am speaking of God's word. I am speaking about the Bible. I cannot tell you how much the decision to immerse myself in God's unchanging word has changed my life. Every day when I wake up, I wake up in the flesh. I cannot trust myself to live a day on my own without crucifying my flesh and immersing myself in God's word. I need God's perspective and not my own, for my own is flawed. I need God's comfort when I am distressed and not the comfort from the world, others or food/sex/alcohol/sleep/movies/books (you name it). I need God's guidance and not the world's on my life decisions. I can't read a book written by man telling me how to make a decision when God tells me that the wisdom of man is foolishness to God. Why wouldn't I just go to the source of all wisdom? Tears are building up in my eyes right now as I hold this precious Word on my lap and meditate on all that I have learned from being immersed in these pages filled with God's voice. This is more precious than gold, than much fine gold. These words are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them I am warned, in keeping them there is great reward.

I am at a point where I can't see one step in front of me and it is frustrating. I am fighting the battle waging in my mind, and I am SO aware of my sinfulness. In the midst of the struggle, I have a rock. As the waves are beating against me, I am being held firmly in His grip. As shots are fired at me and flames of dart are aimed directly at my heart, I am dressed in His armor, ready to wield my sword of the Spirit and hold up my shield of faith. As I am tempted to give in and give up because the struggle is so hard, I remember who has already fought for me and who strengthens me so I may fight now. If it were my own strength, I would have given up already. Jesus Christ stands with me, never to leave me or forsake me. His purposes will prevail in my life, for I am not my own. I was bought with a price. My life is in His hands. Whatever comes my way, I am His, and I am safe. Hold fast to the Word of God, for it is a lifeline. It is God's voice. It is air and breath to my lungs, water to my parched tongue, and food to my body. It is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword. It is life-changing.

Praises

Praise to the LORD for he is good!

In the moments when life is gray and cloudy and unclear and hard and confusing....I need to remember these times when the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and my mouth overflows with praises to God. He is GOOOOOOOOOD!! I think he gifts us with these mountain-top views for when we are in the valley and all we see is a mountain behind us and a mountain ahead of us, and are in darkness. Read the end of Habbakuk (3:17-19). In fact, I'll post it for you =)

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.

A Good Shepherd

I'm sensing a need to write about this for someone.

What is your idea of a good shepherd? One who watches over his flock with the rod and the staff? One who leads his sheep in green pastures and by still waters? One who guards his sheep, that they may lie down in peace? I do too. So would any moral person, regardless of their spiritual views (moral being defined as one who tries to live a good life and do the right thing, follow their conscience, etc.). When Jesus is called the Good Shepherd, is that all he entails?

Here is a picture I want to share from a shepherd and his flock. Sheep, as most of us know, are stupid. There's no delicate way to put it. They are dumb, senseless creatures in need of a shepherd or they are going to die. They wander, they get lost, they get stuck, they cannot protect themselves. Sounds like me in a car without directions =)

In Jesus' day, sheep were no different than they are now. Stupid, senseless, needy creatures. However, they were smart enough to know their master's voice. When sheep wander, they typically become lost very quickly. Stubborn sheep will sometimes wander off because something caught their attention, or they smelled something "good". A good shepherd will leave the flock and go after the wayward sheep until he found it. When a sheep continually wanders off and become lost repeatedly, the shepherd does a very loving thing for the sheep. He finds the sheep, lost and sitting in one place, bleating for help. He gently takes the sheep and break its legs, one by one, so it can no longer walk. Then he gently lifts the sheep and carries it back to the flock. This shepherd then carries the sheep until its legs are healed. During that time, the good shepherd holds the sheep close, speaks gentle words over this sheep, and tenderly cares for it. When its legs are healed and the sheep can walk, it intimately knows its master's voice. It no longer wants to wander. This sheep knows and loves its master's voice.

When you find yourself in a place where you feel like your legs have been broken, the Master, the Good Shepherd is longing to re-introduce himself to you. He is longing to speak tender words straight to your heart. He is desperate for your attention. Part of you is not enough. He wants all of you. He knows that you have strayed from his voice, and the most loving thing he can do for you is to save you from the wilderness of living on your own knowledge and strength, and to teach you full and ultimate dependence on Him. When we walk on our own, or turn a direction because it "smells good", we have no idea of the dangers surrounding us. We don't even know where we are. Sometimes the most loving things God does for us are the most painful. If we just looked at God as one who breaks legs, we have an incomplete picture of him. We will see him as a God who enjoys inflicting pain. When we can get past the discomfort of living in pain and suffering, His righteous plan starts to be revealed to us, and we lose our perspective and, by God's grace, begin to ask for His. Do not waste the precious time you have with the Good Shepherd while your legs are healing! I love this: Ecclesiastes 5:1-2 says, "As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut! ....he is in heaven, and you are only here on earth. So let your words be few."

Something God showed me today was a picture of a desert, and me standing on the edge of it. Something I desired SO greatly was waiting on the other side, but to cross that desert would mean death. It was hot. It was dusty. There was no water, and there was a great distance to cover. I could not do it, and I longed so strongly to cross it. I stood and waited for the LORD. Soon a storm rose from the east, and washed over the desert in front of me. Dark clouds rolled in, and lightning flashed from the clouds to the ground. Rain poured from the sky in a torrent, soaking the sand of the desert. After the storm was over, the desert was transformed into a lush garden. There was green foliage, trees, bushes, flowers, rivers of water flowing through the garden. The desert was now pass-able. I could take a step forward into an area that was previously desolate. It was amazing. It was beautiful.

"I waited patiently for Yahweh. He turned to me, and heard my cry."

Sufficiency

Part of the fine print of walking with the LORD is the constant process of refinement and purification, being made more and more into the image of Jesus. Lately I've been called on the carpet on the area of self-sufficiency.

I know I can't do "it" on my own, however you define "it". My job. My relationships. My life's direction. The next conversation I have. The confrontation. The next assignment. Saying yes. Saying no. Stepping out in faith, not knowing if I will stand or fall. Whatever "it" is, I've been taught and experienced that on my own strength, I can do nothing. In God's strength, I can do everything. Sadly, sin pulls me into the "I try to do it on my own strength first" category often. I experience guilt, failure, mediocracy, dependence on others, laziness, a lukewarm heart, apathy, negative thoughts. I hear "You'll never be able to do this. You may as well give up. You're up against something or someone too strong."

In John 11, Lazarus has died while Jesus was away. Up to this point, Jesus had cured many diseases and cast out demons, but he had not faced death. Mary and Martha, close friends of Jesus, were mourning the death of their brother Lazarus when Jesus returned with his disciples. Martha ran to meet him outside the town, and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Wow. Her belief in the Lord was made clear right then and there. She believed he could cure the sick. She didn't believe he could raise the dead. In her eyes, Jesus' power was limited. She knew Lazarus would be raised on the last day. She knew God's power would be applied then. In her eyes, Jesus' victory over death would happen later. Jesus posed this question to her in response: "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" He calls out her unbelief.

Mary comes out to meet him later, and she also says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Hm. Same level of belief in Mary as was in Martha. Remember, when Jesus heard Lazarus was sick, he could have come and healed him from this sickness. When Jesus heard, John says Jesus stayed 2 more days where he was. John also says that Jesus loved Mary and Martha and Lazarus. Jesus chose to stay 2 more days where he was for a much bigger purpose than healing Lazarus from a sickness. In John 11:14 Jesus says, "Lazarus has died, and for your (disciple's) sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe." Are you noticing a common theme of belief?

[Just an interjection that I find so humorous: When Jesus decides to head back to Judea for Lazarus, where he was previously pursued by the Jews to arrest him, Thomas, one of Jesus' followers, basically says, "Well guys, let's pack up and go with Jesus so we can die with him.", assuming that Jesus will be stoned to death. I love it!]

Jesus returns, he goes to the grave of Lazarus, and tells the men to roll away the stone. Martha, who has previously confessed Jesus as the Christ, feels the need to remind Jesus, "Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days." She has confessed Jesus as the Son of God, yet she objects when Jesus prepares for Lazarus' resurrection. She still believes Jesus' power is limited. And then, for the first time on the earth, Jesus displays tha awesome authority of God, the power and victory over death, and calls Lazarus to come out. Lazarus comes, wrapped in graveclothes, and with all my heart I believe that Mary and Martha no longer doubted or questioned who this man Jesus is. They knew. They saw. They believed. And they finally believed in his full power.

I wonder what the faces of those surrounding the cave looked like at that moment...

What level of belief in Jesus do I live in?

Adventure

I'm house-sitting this week, and remembering what a gift it is. A huge wonderful furnished home completely to myself, 3 kitties to cuddle with, force-feed medication, and scoop litter, flowers to water, mail to bring in, dinner to cook and dishes to wash.....all in a day's work, right? But what I REALLY enjoy about house-sitting for this particular family is the time alone. Every time I commit to watching their house, I first think of how it will affect my commute to work and the grocery store. I wonder where I will fill up on gas. I groan as I remember I have to transport half my bathroom, closet, and refrigerator for a week, and then transport back. Then after I am convicted of my utter selfishness, I become very aware of the gift given me. Today I spent awhile in a screened-in porch, enjoying the breezy late afternoon with a book. As an introvert, I crave time alone to recharge my batteries and simply BE. God gives this to me here in abundance.

One of the books I was reading today is borrowed. It's from a woman who believes in marking what jumped out at her and writing notes in the margins. As I read these used books, I do my best to ignore what is marked so I will have my own "jumped out at me" moments. However, I noticed this little reaction in myself today that I want to make a note of:

This woman had written 3 simple words at the top of the page in regards to Ephesians 1: "Paul knew something...." Immediately I perked up, sat up straight, adjusted myself in the chair and peered very intently at the page. Yes, even my heart rate increased. What did Paul know? What did he realize? What's the secret? Where did he find this knowledge? How can I get it? I want to be on the inside track too! All these thoughts bounced through my head in a matter of minutes. Sadly, my first reaction was to look for other notes written by this woman. What else had she noticed about Paul? What other insights could she have given me? After a few minutes I gave up looking at her notes and went back to the text, which led me directly into Ephesians 1, and to my discovery of the moment. First, I can never depend on another to enlighten the eyes of my heart like the Holy Spirit of God can. No one else should have that role. Knowledge of God comes from knowledge of His Word. Secondly, I became aware of my great desire for adventure. I don't mean cliff-diving, white-water rafting, mountain-climbing adventure (although those are high on my priority list!). I'm talking about having inside knowledge, holding the secrets of the kingdom, learning great mysteries held back from the wise and revealed to the simple, wielding spiritual weapons and engaging in battle, being called to an adventure and story that is far beyond myself.....far bigger than I can even see. There is a battle waging around us every day. The vast majority of the army of the living God are blinded and held in captivity. Time is so short. The end is near. God is raising up His people in the last days. There will less and less gray areas and more black and white. Sides are being chosen. All this and more is for a greater Purpose, a greater Call, an Adventure that is not for the faint of heart or lukewarm. We each have the choice to engage or retreat; to join the ranks or pretend the battle doesn't exit.

Tell me: what tops this? Is there a greater Adventure? What will you be doing with your life? What purpose does it fulfill? Or, perhaps a better question is this: what do you live for? What do you serve, bow down to, work towards, drive all your passion and energy towards? What makes you get out of bed each day? What would you like said about you at the end of your life?

I think the answers to these questions, whether you are able to speak them or are simply aware of the nudges you feel deep inside, give great insight into your priorities and how you live your life. Personally, I want to make a difference. I want to be involved in something greater than my own plans. I would argue that this desire of true purpose is in every human being. You may have to dig through a ton of junk before you find it. I truly believe it is there, and that you were created for a specific purpose in this Story that no one else can fulfill. Your first task is to meet and begin to know the Author of the Story. He wrote the story, set the characters, created their roles even before the world was founded, and knows the end from the beginning. He is the only one who can tell us what our role is. His advice is the one that can be trusted. I'm going to Jesus Christ for my role assignment, and I am eager for a life of amazing adventure. No, it probably won't look anything like I would have planned it. Experience has taught me that my own decisions made without God's input are terrible.

Here's my final thought: All we can see is the present moment. All I have is now. I have a couple choices of how I can walk. I would prefer to walk in the present, not seeing anything but the next step in front of me, because I am being led by the One who sees where I have been, where I am going, and every single step on the path. All I have is now. How am I living it?

Not my will....

First post - I'm excited =)

I was digesting a lot of Isaiah 40-something this afternoon and noticed a theme. Over and over God is reminding the reader of who He is, of what He has done. As I allowed myself to soak in His words, I became smaller and smaller as more of my sins became evident. Pride, dissatisfaction, envy, self-righteousness and self-reliance, I could keep going for quite awhile. Pretty soon into the passages I realized my proper place is on my knees before the LORD. Every morning, do I meet the LORD like this? How many verses are there that speak of how God dwells in a high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit? How can He dwell in such a high and lofty dwelling, and also with someone who is lowly? Because there is room for him there. A humble person has made complete room for him, setting aside all that he or she has for a greater call. I wrote this in my margins as I became aware of my insignificance apart from Christ: "It is not about me!" It really has nothing to do with me or what I can bring to the LORD God of the universe. I have nothing of worth I can give him. This song just came to mind, which is one I love to play and sing through.

"So what could I bring
To honor your Majesty?
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty,

When all that I have
Is all that you've given me?

So Lord, let me sing for you
This song with humility.

To my audience of One
You are Father, and you are Son
As your Spirit flows free
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours, LORD."

Here's my challenge for myself this week: I want to wake up every morning and fall to my knees immediately before the LORD my Creator, remembering who I am and who He is. I want to cast down every part of me that strives to "earn" or "perform" apart from Him. I want to gladly humble myself and live before the cross of Christ with my gaze firmly fixed up. Oh God, in my strength alone I know this is not possible. But I know in Christ, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Please grant me repentance. How I love You, O LORD my strength! My heart sings for joy to the Living God!